He Sees You When You’re Sleeping?

We can probably all think of a couple deadly sins that Santa is guilty of (greed, gluttony), but would any of us call him slothful? Oh, if you were thinking that was a rhetorical question, you’re wrong; I would.

For years now we’ve labored under the delusion that Santa is an industrious old elf, but I want to assure you that this is simply no longer true. Perhaps back in the day before the Internet and jet planes we were all impressed by Santa’s efforts to zip around the world, but even back then this was not nearly as impressive as we were deluded to believe.

“Wait a minute, Eric,” you scowl, “you really blew it this time. You’re a real blockhead. Santa Claus goes around the entire world in a single night and single-handedly delivers presents for every man, woman, and child on earth! What isn’t spectacular about that?”

Well my dear reader, I will grant you that this would be an amazing feat, but I assure you that this is a lie. Santa does not visit every man, woman, and child. Santa does not go all around the world on one night. Santa does not work alone! Santa simply has great PR here in America.

Allow for me to explain myself. Firstly, Santa does not need to visit every man woman and child on earth, simply those who celebrate Christmas – more specifically those who celebrate Santa’s role in Christmas. Santa is not only excluded by religious fanatics, but also non-Western Christians, those opposed to breaking and entering, and anyone who fears allowing an old white man control one more industry. Santa barely has to visit Asia, which contains more than a third of the world’s population. Really Santa does not need to visit that many people.

Santa also does not operate solely on the night of December the 24th, no he also makes sure to deliver some gifts on the day St. Nicholas of Myra is venerated, December 6. Many Europeans do not receive gifts on actual Christmas day, but rather venerate the birth of Christ on the day and then practice gift giving on the day of one of the most recognizable saints, Saint Nicholas-Sinterklaas-Santa Claus. Also in many Eastern Rite countries, gifts are given on Epiphany (or the day of the Magi or the Twelfth Day of Christmas) to represent the gifts brought to the toddler Jesus by some of the most famous, unnamed Eastern Astrologers in history. And I don’t know about you, but when I was growing up I sometimes saw packages from Santa under the tree before Christmas morning, so he must have pre-shipped some items to parents who understood his busy schedule. Lame.

Lastly, Santa obviously does not run a solo operation. Aside from his seemingly limitless labor source in the elves (I’ll get back to them later), Santa is known to have demon slaves (most notably Black Peter) carry his gifts for him! In some countries he even sends his little minions into the houses for him! Santa becomes little more than a glorified slave master! Bah humbug!

At least we can rest assured that elves are no longer low-cost, North Pole labor. When was the last time any of us received something from Santa that was even remotely homemade? Like everyone else, Santa is now outsourcing from other countries (it’s either that or he’s infringing on more copyright laws than even he has the financial resources to fight in court) and is buying corporate made gifts. If Santa is still employing his elves, I imagine they are now shrewd investors accruing Santa capital rather than factory laborers. I think the next step in the dialectic of history is a socialist elf rebellion… but I digress – as always.

So, this year while you’re sipping your hard nog, don’t get overly sentimental about Santa and his difficult task. Instead we should head the advice of Mr. Stevens and boldly proclaim: “Get behind me, Santa!”