Fountain of Youth - Conclusion

Since I seem to be the worst explorer since Columbus, I have not gone very far in my search for the fountain of youth. I mean, what gives! America has taught me that all of my desires ought to be instantly gratified… not to mention all of the misinformation my dear readers have been leaving in the comments’ section. Is the fountain in Iowa, Washington, Colorado? I don’t know anymore. In fact, I think all of this uncertainty has added about seven years.

Perhaps the fountain of youth is not some glorified hot tub, but rather the search for that glorified hot tub! Maybe the youth sought is not a physical but spiritual in nature? Aside from feeling a little cheated by that thought, I still don’t really know what it means.

Fortunately I remembered something Jason Schwartzman once told me: “Find something you love and do it for the rest of your life.” Thank you Jason. But what is my Rushmore? What could give me the drive to stalwartly move forward, accepting each new day and challenge with grace and poise?

“Eric, that’s really sweet,” you somewhat confuse me, “I didn’t realize how much my being your audience meant to you.”

This is a slightly more awkward position than I hoped to be in. Dear reader, I think you’re great and all, but I just don’t feel that way about you… I hope we can still be friends.

“Yeah, I understand,” I think I hear a muffled sob, “that’s what I meant too.”

Let’s move on then!

I don’t need fast cars, loose women, or plentiful cash to make me feel young, but what I do need is the internet! No-no, hear me out here! Maybe you, dear reader are actually part of my youth – namely if I’m stalking you.

Something that I discovered in college is that there are so many great tools online for invading people’s lives! This act was given an appropriate verb by Joey, the very model of masculinity, namely: ‘creeping.’ One might say, “Sorry, I can’t go out tonight because I’ve got to creep the ‘Space.”

Bearded Glory

“Eric,” you sound a little confused, “what in the world does stalking people have to do with staying young?”

Well, dear reader, stalking people used to be a very difficult and involved task. I once wrote a song about it, parodying Nancy Sinatra’s little ditty:

These shoes are made for stalking,
And that’s what they’re gonna do,
So baby, you’re not careful,
And they’ll be stalking you!

Strangely it never took a number one spot on any charts.

Fortunately, stalking no longer requires leaving the convenience of your home. You could stalk people at age sixty better than you did in your physical prime!

The Devil?

Also, it saves a great deal of time when it comes to investing in relationships. I no longer need to ask a person their thoughts on art, music, love, sexuality, religion, politics, and favorite quotes – all of this is now readily available on the web. What’s more, people appreciate this sort of voyeurism because they would rather not waste their time talking about themselves with you so they can get to the main issue of… well, themselves. I know it doesn’t make sense, but they really do appreciate your not wasting their time.

I can simulate a three-year relationship with a person in twenty minutes simply by cutting and pasting.

Where does this leave me? I can have multiple romances and careers over the internet in the amount of it takes to hand out the Academy Awards. Really, it comes down to essentially living in dog years.

So, do you actually find youth? No. But you do get to experience more things without actually experiencing them. What a great life I have ahead of me!

Who needs Sweden, Alaska, or any other physical fountain of youth? Everything has switched from analog to digital anyways! The internet has plenty of beautiful people, fishes, limitless ads for health care (in your pants), and hipsters - else could the fountain of youth need?

So make your myspace only available to your friends because the youngest guy on the internet block is coming to see who is in your top eight!