“Now, Eric,” my dear reader, you will undoubtedly worry, “I know you’ve been out of the blogging scene for a while…” to which I’m sure you’re heart broken about. “Please don’t put words in my mouth – but could you have missed that you’re admonition of the fountain of youth being fabled means that you will have quite some difficulty finding it?”
Alas my dear reader, it is true that the fountain of youth sought by Juan Ponce de León in Florida is little more than myth (or at least as transitory as Aunt Sylvie from Housekeeping), and so I do not intend to head south to the home of my brother’s family, but rather I am heading north to one of my many European, ancestral homelands!
Yes, dear reader, I am returning to Sweden with all of its beautiful people, gelatinized fish, socialized health care, and rampant hipsters. Actually, those four things are exactly what I’m placing my hope in!
If you ever meet a beautiful Swede on the street and strike up conversation with them, you might think about asking them out to dinner, but I highly recommend you first find out their age, as it is not uncommon for a seventy-six year old to look like she’s twenty-six. This doesn’t mean that a fifty-six year old would look like a six year old, but probably somewhere in her early twenties… it’s not an exact science. You see, some combination of the environment and resources in Sweden have led to its people being nigh-immortal, super geniuses! While you do not receive the full benefits of this strange land’s transformative powers if you enter its bourn after your birth, it can prolong your trek on this earth for several lifetimes.
Perhaps the most important natural resource of Sweden is found swimming off shores: the Lutfisk. Lutfisk is a gelatinized fish that after being caught transmutes into a Jello-giggler shaped like one of the various pagan gods of the Nordic lands. It is said that eating three Lutfisks a week can give you the strength of twelve men! Not to mention all of the fish oils do wonders for your hair.
In the off chance that you have medical problems while visiting the veritable paradise that is Sweden, fear not! The socialized health care in Sweden is fast and efficient, and it even bends the laws of thermodynamics for the sake of aiding its patients. It is able to provide these exceptional services by having three hyper-intelligent robot doctors per patient. And fear not a robot rebellion, for Sweden also has genetic engineered telekinetic humans who are each responsible for controlling twenty robots; however no problems have ever arose due to robot/human intermarriages which have been available since 1982 (making Sweden the second country in the world to allow a machine/animal union).
Lastly, there are enough hipsters in Sweden to put California to shame. According to a reliable source, Sweden has more trendy haircuts and sweet-ace bicycles than Tyr could hold in his hand (no, his other hand). While hipsters are known to be rampant smokers, thus in the states have shorter life expectancy, in Sweden the heat from the tip of a cigarette helps keep blood circulating in their frigid climate. If these Swedish hipsters are anything like me, they are dancing all the time, and thus have cardiovascular exercise on a semi-weekly basis. Oh, and good music makes you live longer.
Yes, Sweden would be a fine place to go; however, I can’t afford airfare. I’m afraid I may just need to look somewhere else for my fountain of youth…
6 comments:
i think it's in iowa city. go there.
if not Iowa, maybe the clear cut?
Eric, let me remind you of the words a wise old viking once told me: "YOU ARE SO YOUNG!"
...and by "old viking" I of course meant an old viking who -- through a combination of lutefisk, dancing at hipster bars, robot doctors, and bike-riding -- looked a good 70 years younger.
Did Nick tell you you're too old to fall in love at 23?
Hmmm... Sweden. An interesting choice. I must say that after sampling the culture, you are at least 100,000,000 times better at dancing than any Swede we met. In fact, if I remember correctly, no one would even begin to dance unless it was past 1 am and they were hammered. Haley and I were the first out on the floor. The twelve hour work days do not lend kindly to youthfulness either, though the fresh air is good for preservation of skin elasticity. I recommend Hawaii. The airfare is cheaper, and so is the rent. And no one works, they just catch fish out of the sea and eat bananas off of trees.
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