The Best Defense

Santa Cruz is a mythic place ruled by its own pantheon of gods. I would even venture it has a Hades and Olympus filled with crème de la crème of Santa Cruz society. I mean who can forget the time Hippicus brought his ambrosial grass to the mortals and gave them a godlike state. Or when Dudeiderous caught some awesome swell and created the ocean. Or there was that time Hipsterious rode his great fixed-gear bicycle around town and made the streets safe for all pedestrians.

And, oh, the pedestrians! These are minor deities – demigods who complete mighty tasks here on earth. However, they mostly just jaywalk with impunity.


I tell you all of this to make my real point: in the face of excessive dangers on the roads, we must remember what we learned in our driver’s ed classes about the importance of defensive driving. Hands at ten and two, or three and nine, or (as they tell us now) eight and four. Always check your mirrors and blind spots. Be aware of where all the cars are around you and potential hazards on or around the road. This is all good advice, and it is wide to heed it; however, what if there is something more to consider?

Dear reader, in my study of twentieth century history, I heard this maxim time and time again: The best defense is a good offense. Since I lack higher reasoning and take everything in the most literal fashion it can possibly be interpreted in, I have directly transposed this idea from military history into my defensive driving tactics.

Sure I check my blind spots, but I also destroy my blind spots, thus no longer making them an issue. Yes, I am aware of hazards in the road so I can obliterate them, thus removing them as hazards not just for me, but also for everyone else! I not only place my hands at ten and two, but I grow ten other hands to cover the rest of the hours on the steering wheel!

Finally, there are the pedestrians. They may have semi-divine status in Santa Cruz, but I will soon bring about a Götterdämmerung where these pesky, little deities will scatter and hide themselves from sight. I will unleash such a holocaust of fury upon the streets of Santa Cruz that they will be safe, for fear of me, for a thousand years!

Oh wait… I don’t own a car.